A common tactic among teacher’s and official’s in the public school system was to threaten a student with an offense being put on their “permanent record.”
I didn’t even know I had a permanent record. What I did want to know was if I had approval over the cover art.
HVAC telemarketer calls up and asks if I want my ducts cleaned.
I said”, nope…we just toss ’em in the pond and they’re good to go.”
I was doing some man-scaping recently and while carefully using the scissors I impulsively started singing the “Merry Ol’ Land of Oz” song from the film with some slight lyric alterations. “Snip, snip here, snip, snip there and a couple of la-dee-da’s…that’s how we shape our private parts in the merry ol’ land of Oz.”
I tossed caution to the wind.
The wind spun around and fired caution right back at me, hitting me right between the eyes.
The wind is an asshole.
I find that in the aftermath of going for a hearing test where they make you raise your left or right hand each time you hear a tone though the headphones they make you wear you find yourself behaving like Pavlov’s dog and every time you hear a tone you raise your hand in a Dictator/Roman Emperor salute.
Nice to know you can still learn new things.
I was in a bar recently having a drink with some friends when the bartender approached and asked what I’d like to have. I just wanted a simple double shot of a popular tequila and asked for this. She in turn asked, “Neat?”
At first I just thought she was pleased with my choice of drinks when I realized she wanted to know how I was taking my beverage.
At that point I told her to make it a little messy because I didn’t want it to look like a nerd in front of the other drinks.
You know what I love? That white, recreational socks now usually come with the toes and heels highlighted in gray or another color or stitching. You could consider it insulting as if we didn’t know how to slide on a pair of socks and figure out where our toes and heel are supposed to go. But in the end I actually find them helpful. It considerably cuts down on the time it takes me to put my socks on . Without them you find yourself squirming your foot around until it settles into place and you don’t have clumps of material bubbled up in between your toes or under your heels. So my thanks to the sock makers out there who continue to improve upon an already essential & useful product and help keep us all from walking around like we have a pebble in our shoes.
Is it just me or does a woman’s bowling trophy look like it could easily double for a shopping award? It’s strange but she sure looks like she’s dashing along with a heavy pocketbook trailing behind held in her hand from her extended arm. And I’ve SEEN these woman in that exact pose. Usually on Black Friday or in malls during the holiday season.
Check it out…I’m not wrong.
In a recent conversation with a friend they noted something that is common among people by saying that they were “really bad with names.”
So I suggested that they start with something simple….like Jim.
Writing for a site calling me a “wise guy” it came as no surprise when I was recently called a wiseacre. Truthfully I had always thought of myself more as a wise-half-acre and would like the government to see me that way as well since you pay less taxes as a half-acre than you do as an acre. During last tax season I tried fudging things and claiming that I was a wise-15,000 square-foot lot but they had none of it. Speaking to those that knew me they determined that I was most definitely a wiseacre….though not a high quality one.