Dear Diary III

Day 86 of the quarantine.

My dog is sick of me. After initially enjoying the extra treats from my being home all the time (why should I be the only one over-eating snack food), she has grown tired of me being around ALL THE TIME and appears to look forward to me leaving the house so she can get some real REM sleep. I can tell this is the case because when I open the back door looking to let her out, she waits for me to exit and then closes the door behind me. Luckily, with no opposable thumbs she hasn’t figured out how to lock the downstairs windows.

Till next time…

Dear Diary II

Day 54 of the quarantine. Lately I have opted to try and amuse myself and my family members by adopting the speech pattern of an 80 year old Brooklynite. I wander around, bent over with a stoop complaining, “I don’t like this terlet paper we’ve had to buy. It’s very abrasive. It irritates my bottom.” I found it amusing. My family did not.

I must be going now. In an effort to “stay regulah, I’m having a salad for dinner with nuthin’ but earl and vinegah on it.”

Till next time….

Dear Diary

Day 45 of the quarantine. Today, again, I re-injured myself by bumping my head after pacing around and walking into the clear plexiglass wall I had built in my basement, which of course was done for my own protection. The first time was passing out from lack of oxygen after realizing I should have poked a few air holes in the glass. You would have thought I’d learned this lesson after the unfortunate hamster incident from my youth. Despite adding the air holes it still gets very cloudy and greasy in here when using my George Forman grill. Spraying air freshener only adds to the London feel and creates a very strange odor. I’m not sure how to describe the mix of potpourri and burger fat but that’s the end result. I resist using my Lysol disinfectant, because, let’s face it, that’s gold these days. But there are benefits to all of this. It blocks the judgemental faces and shaking of heads from my disapproving family who remain on the other side of the glass supposedly “making the best” of the whole situation. So there….

Till next time.

Snip Snip

I was doing some man-scaping recently and while carefully using the scissors I impulsively started singing the “Merry Ol’ Land of Oz” song from the film with some slight lyric alterations.  “Snip, snip here, snip, snip there and a couple of la-dee-da’s…that’s how we shape our private parts in the merry ol’ land of Oz.”

The Hear and Now

I find that in the aftermath of going for a hearing test where they make you raise your left or right hand each time you hear a tone though the headphones they make you wear you find yourself behaving like Pavlov’s dog and every time you hear a tone you raise your hand in a Dictator/Roman Emperor salute.

Nice to know you can still learn new things.

A Very Tidy Drink

I was in a bar recently having a drink with some friends when the bartender approached and asked what I’d like to have.  I just wanted a simple double shot of a popular tequila and asked for this.  She in turn asked, “Neat?”

At first I just thought she was pleased with my choice of drinks when I realized she wanted to know how I was taking my beverage.

At that point I told her to make it a little messy because I didn’t want it to look like a nerd in front of the other drinks.

Sock Instructions

You know what I love?  That white, recreational socks now usually come with the toes and heels highlighted in gray or another color or stitching.  You could consider it insulting as if we didn’t know how to slide on a pair of socks and figure out where our toes and heel are supposed to go.  But in the end I actually find them helpful.  It considerably cuts down on the time it takes me to put my socks on .  Without them you find yourself squirming your foot around until it settles into place and you don’t have clumps of material bubbled up in between your toes or under your heels.  So my thanks to the sock makers out there who continue to improve upon an already essential & useful product and help keep us all from walking around like we have a pebble in our shoes.